Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You are a genius and a whore.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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