i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
