i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Is Oprah even human
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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