i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
