Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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