all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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