I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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