Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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