Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
