I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
