Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
