who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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