Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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