my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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