somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
