I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
porn star boner night. come get it.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
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