I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize