so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
