I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
