nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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