Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
