oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
