here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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