my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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