It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
