Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
