I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
