Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
