tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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