non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
