I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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