I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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