Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
