: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
