So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Randomize
