Ambien. No doubt about it.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I need moral support for this bender
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
