I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
