When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
