I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
