I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
