I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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