My hand turned me down
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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