My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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