Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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