I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
