i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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