I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
