Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
