o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
