I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
