i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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