worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
