I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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