the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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