after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
