can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
