SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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