I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
