You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
