So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize