Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
