i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
