Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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