today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
