Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
